Thoughts for Thursday

Ok. First. Take a gander at them nails. As T, Kj and I discovered, it actually works! THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING. Go here for directions. Better yet, just git yerself on over to my pinterest page, cause you should really be checking that out anyway. Pinterest is love.





Second. All I ever want to do these days is sit on my bed and watch 30 Rock. I'm sorry to say my Tina Fey girl-crush continues to escalate to unhealthy proportions.



Third, you know that thing where you're responsibly waiting at a crosswalk for the white stick man to show up, and all of the sudden some bold character shuffles past you and starts crossing the street, and for a brief second you're all confused and thinking Wait! He's not here yet! And next you're feeling all lame and prudeish for being so law-abiding. You know, that thing? Yeah.

Fourth, a very warm welcome to my scrumptious new niece, Amelia. If birth stories are your thing, perhaps go read my sister's blog post about Amelia's birth, cause it's hilarious. Except what am I saying? You all know this! Cause she's your sister too.

Also, totally jazzed to be approaching graduationdom. Larsens, winter the way it was meant to be lived (eat it, Utah), and also T. has agreed to perform an intervention in my out-of-control carb addiction. I predict many convulsions and gnashings of teeth during those first few weeks of detox, but maybe after that my body will be able to accept roughage again. And maybe these next few weeks I'll be unconsciously filling up on Hostess fruit pies to make up for the upcoming famine, or maybe not so unconsciouslywhat? I don't wanna talk about it. Apple's my favorite.

Discovery

You know that thing where you go around seeing the world a certain way, and everything is accurate and makes sense and it only rarely occurs to you that maybe things are different than how you perceive them? And then something happens to shake you out of your paradigm and you're all whoa, I've been totally oblivious. And suddenly your world is slightly different. It's a new world. It has sandy beaches and looks like Asia, probably.

For example, the other day I was dutifully applying concealer to the unders of my eyes, when I remembered I had recently heard somewhere that dark circles are caused by delicate blood vessels that break and bleed and pool there under your eyes (yum). I realized then that I had never actually checked to see if my eye skin was dark.

(!!)

And then, the thought came to me that maybe the problem is not that I have delicate eye vessels, but that my eyes actually jut out so much that they cast a shadow. Inspecting further, I found significant support for this theory. But just to be sure, I had Carol perform an exam.


It maybe looked something like this. Except with more emphasis on me pulling my undereye skin out so she could inspect its pallor.



Sure enough, she confirmed my undereye skin to be peachy-fleshy-toned, not blood-pooly-black.


Now, about here you're maybe wondering what difference any of this makes. Don't I still have to apply concealer?


Yes. Yes I do. The point is, my world is expanded. One day I was walking around thinking something was a certain way, and suddenly it wasn't true. And maybe I never would have even made that discovery, if my thoughts hadn't gone that particular route. What if I had gone my whole life thinking I had delicate undereye blood vessels?! Can you imagine how many delusions you're operating under right now, this very minute?





>another Columbus joke to tie in the title of this post<

Everyone: I think I'm dying. Over the last few days I've been getting all these weird symptoms and it makes no sense and I need your medical wisdom! Also I wanted to say goodbye and thanks for all the memories!

Symptoms:
-extremely sore obliques (this could be a side effect of pilates the other day, but there's really no way of knowing)
-random itchy bites ALL OVER (it's possible I have bed bugs)
-right side of jaw is extremely sore (this actually is really weird)
-oppressive fullness feeling/pressure like I just got back from Golden Corral, even though all I've eaten today is a few bites of Cream of Wheat.
-intermittent bouts of being really cold
-there's nail polish ALL over my hands. This may be a result of a failed attempt at marbling (pinterest made it look so easy)



If anyone can decipher these clues, please let me know what you find out. Until then, I will be here...finalizing my will...overseeing some last minute preparation on that Cold Stone raid...

Plans

On the right, you will see that I have created a label cloud. It seemed like a bloggy thing to do. And, man, with labels like 'depression' and 'narcissistic', it is little wonder to me that so many of you (all five of you) keep coming back! I sure know how to keep the troops entertained!

Anyway, here's some things I'm thinking about doing with my life if my schooling proves fruitless:

-professional wreck diving
-family history-working
-manatee-saving
-white water raft-guiding
-living somewhere not in this country-ing
-enchiladas
-playing the banjo-ing
-speaking Arabic-ing
-rugby


Now I know what you are thinking. Wreck-diving and raft-guiding sound kind of adventurous and athletic. And rugby? Is she confused? Nope, folks, after years of searching I think I've finally found my inner moxie, and these are the places I want it to take me. Which means that, when that day comes when going out and doing something sounds more appealing than sitting on my bed watching Netflix, I will know exactly what to do. I am growing up, everybody.

If you read the Arabic-speaking part and thought that was kind of bizarre, it's ok. It is to me too. If you read enchiladas and thought maybe that wasn't a very realistic thing to do with your life, then maybe you, too, have a lot of growing up to do.

Now go show some lovin' to your Fa's!

Matters of Business

Before I begin my Nat-training regimen, I just have a few assorted thoughts to put on paper, if you will, thoughts that I didn't think were very becoming of a blog like Nat's. Actually what I'm really doing is letting myself off the hook cause all I plan to do is get these thoughts/statements out there without bothering to elaborate, clarify, or justify myself. Sweet.

1. You know how we seem to have this reality that exists outside of all our thoughts, the objective "things as they really are"? Why is that reality so hard to penetrate? I feel like my reality, anyway, is composed of mortar and brick. Whenever I read a really inspiring article, for instance, that goes radically against my general outlook and motivates me to start thinking a different way. Or whenever I get to experience a particularly good class lecture, or Relief Society lesson, or what have you. But for the sake of brevity let's go back to the inspiring article scenario. So I'm sitting there at the computer, absorbed in this exciting bubble of inspiration.
Eventually I have to get up from the computer and go about the rest of my day, and unfortunately I always find that that bubble of inspiration pops somewhere between the ASB and the MARB, or maybe somewhere between campus and my apartment. The point is that it inevitably leaves me. That inspiring article I read not 20 minutes ago becomes only a hazy memory of something that was a nice idea, but not realistic. THIS is how things really are. Kind of like how when you're depressed, everything you think becomes truth. All those positive thoughts you once had were comforting while they lasted, but they weren't reality. When it comes down to it, THIS is what's real. THIS is what's always been real, you just got distracted for a while. I just think it's very sad, because I feel like it makes it so difficult to implement positive changes in my life. Does this ring true for anyone else/make sense to anyone else? Oh well, this is the blog post of not justifying myself, so I'll move on.

2. Is there really anyone out there who still believes in individualism? Show me that person, and I will interrogate them, and eventually I will get it out of them that in their heart of hearts, they are actually collectivists. How else do you account for the fact of our relationships being the most painful slash exultant things in our lives? Ok, so maybe I'm being excessively simplistic here, and probably don't fully understand what individualism and collectivism actually mean - but really, folks. Like it or not, relationships are what it's all about.

3. I was reading in Luke the other day about the woman who came to Jesus and bathed his feet with her tears. It's striking that she had such a complete understanding of how glorious He was and how unworthy she was in comparison, but then it occurred to me that this woman's faith was rooted in something that hadn't even happened yet. And then it made me wonder, is it harder to have faith in an Atonement that has yet to happen, or in one that supposedly happened thousands of years ago? They are both things that are not seen, so maybe one isn't harder than the other, but I do wonder. C. thinks it must've been somehow more difficult to have faith back then, which is why the Mosaic Law was implemented, but I just don't know.

4. Art. It's so cool. Basically all I was going to say about The Stranger was that it reawakened me to what good fiction is all about, at least in my opinion. It's an art form. For a long time I've sort of shunned fiction from my shelves, feeling like it was too trivial/boring because it wasn't real. But after reading this simple, 120 pg. book I realized that there's so much more to fiction than that, at least good fiction. The process of crafting a story- of developing characters, conveying very specific feelings, expressing certain meanings so poignantly - this is not easy to do, and when done well, the effect on the reader is anything but trivial.* I'm finally beginning to understand that a good novel can be just as beautiful as any Oscar-winning movie, or a truly kick-a piece of music à la Mahler. They're all art. I am humbled by this epiphany (It's actually not surprising that this realization came to me so late, seeing that artistry in general does not come easily to me. My intro to film class last semester worked me like a dog, plus I can't draw to save my life).

5. Finally, a survey: Why do you eat? How much of it is because a) You like the taste of the food you eat, b) you like the process of being satiated/don't like being hungry, c) you anticipate long-term benefits like the effect is has on your body/mood/health, or d) you like the process of chewing and swallowing something? I'm assuming, of course, that most of you have motivations outside of basic survival. My personal breakdown of the four motivations is 40%, 20%, 0%, and 40%, respectively (which, coincidentally, is why I'll never be skinny). Oh, eating.

Start getting pumped for my next post featuring a delightful romp at Smith's!

*you can do all these things in non-fiction too, of course, but it's not nearly as creative and thus not nearly as impressive.

More Deep Thoughts

-Anna Karenina is not happening. Everyone who admired me for taking it up can just stop now because the truth is that I actually find it very, very dull and have finished 2.3 other books since the last time I picked it up, just to procrastinate reading it again.

-That granola with the flax seed that Ma bought at Costco, the one I initially snubbed my nose at because it looked healthy and claimed to relieve depression through the all-natural power of flax? Yeah, I love it. Prozac is still my gospel, but Organic Pumpkin Flax-Plus Granola with Omega-3 sure is tasty.

-I can't get enough of No Doubt's cover of It's my Life. Why is that song so good? When I listen to it, which is very often, I feel like I could be Gwen Stefani and be ok with that. Disturbing, I know, but thankfully the duration of the song is just under four minutes so the madness is over quickly enough.

-I've been crafting up a storm lately. Pictures to come soon in the Renaissance Mish post I'm planning.

-K. and I have renewed our beloved summertime pastime of watching tragic foreign films in between mail routes. Today it was To Live in an empty JKB classroom. I love my job.

-Only two weeks left of classes, and then on to Portland! I wish I could express just how mind-numbingly excited I am to conclude my summer in Carol's bedroom, surrounded by empty Propel bottles and Gilmore Girls reruns. Also just to visit my old haunts again for the first time in what's been three years but feels like much longer. And, most especially, to darken the doorway of Chang's Mongolian Grill. Scratch that, I plan on doing much more than darkening its doorway. My spirit feels instantly invigorated everytime I think about it. I am so excited I could eat my hair.

-Yoga on Mondays and Wednesdays was a good idea. My spine is so stabilized you would not believe.

-Yesterday I came home and there was a beautiful cake with silky white frosting and patriotic sprinkles sitting on the counter, and it was so beautiful in all its vibrant ethereal confection that I wanted to grab a piece and inhale, grab a piece and inhale, so I grabbed a piece and inhaled. I still don't know whose it was but I sure do love store-bought frosting. Worth it. (Side note: Which of you guys used to put a little masking-tape skull and crossbones on the frosting container to deter me from eating it straight up, finger as a utensil? Come on, 'fess up. For the record, it didn't stop me, so ha ha on you.)

Cactus Chef playing We Didn't Start the Fire on the flute.

...all right, peace.

They say that money can't buy happiness. But money can buy ice cream, and I'm not ready to live in a world where there's a difference.

Thanks for your prayers, folks. I ran, I conquered, and I certainly couldn't have done it without my fabulous fan club. It was great to see you, parents! Cheering loved ones along the course really makes all the difference. But holy cow, that hurt. I am having serious doubts as to the value of this masochistic habit I'm developing.

Finals are over, mazel tov! I love mint oreos! Boys still make me sad! But, T-minus one week until Carol and myself hit the high seas for our super happy fun rad Mexican cruise! Man, I didn't realize it until Jack brought it up, but things really do even out.

Here's some wise words from our pal Rainer Maria Rilke:

People have (with the help of conventions) oriented all their solutions toward the easy and toward the easiest side of the easy; but it is clear that we must hold to that which is difficult; everything alive holds to it…we know little, but that we must hold to what is difficult is a certainty that will not forsake us; it is good to be solitary, for solitude is difficult; that something is difficult must be a reason the more for us to do it.

Happy Casimir Pulaski Day!

That's right, it's CP Day! Don't feel bad if you didn't know, it's an Illinois thing apparently. I was just excited because I CAN TOTALLY PLAY THIS SONG ON MY GUITAR NOW! I was going to put up a video of my sweet skills but then decided that would be a little too myspacey. Sufjan does a better job anyway .

Anyhow, I love Gatorade, and two more cards from Brenda today, and I decided that I'm going to stop being such a flaky person who tries to please everyone and simultaneously lets everyone down, and also The Hudsucker Proxy is my new favorite movie. Also, more depth-y posts are still to come, don't worry, but I didn't get my mid-morning nap today, so, needless to say, I have some catching up to do. Later, yo.

Brenda Returns

Ok, this is getting out of control. Within the past three days we have received two more, nearly identical sympathy cards from Brenda, chock-full of the same disjointed moving intentions, parental nostalgia, and Osmond family love. Brenda, you're breaking our hearts! What do you want from us?! We've entertained the idea of coordinating a trip for her to fly down to Les Vegas and meet her idols, but that requires funds we don't have. We have also considered forging the Osmonds' john hancocks and sending them her way, but that is cruel. Anyone have any better ideas?

Meanwhile, back on the home front:

I'm not usually a fan of Train, but for this song I'll make an exception. It reminds me of falling in love.

Also, lovin' this talk.

and this movie



And, you've probably noticed that my layout is all skiwampus these days, and I apologize. Does anyone know how to fix my page so that all those page elements currently situated at the bottom go to the right side of my page instead, like all the normal peoples' blogs? I tried dragging them in Arrange Page Elements but it didn't work. Help.

Also, is anyone else sick of Michael Buble? Great guy as far as I can tell, but man am I ready for him to gracefully exit the airwaves. I can't really say why.

Also, is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

Till next time--

Time to Kill

Here are some unconnected thoughts for you, from me, as of 9:32am, 7 Jan 2010:

• I love my job because I am being paid to blog.
• I am po'. It's my own fault. Thanks for the financial reinforcements as always, parents!
  
• Boys make me sad.
• I miss Teancum.
  
• And my family.
• I really enjoy BYU bookstore cinnamon sugar bagels with apple cinnamon cream cheese. Mmmm.
• Mail-sorting ruins the flesh around my nails.
• Casimir Pulaski Day by Sufjan Stevens is a great song and I am inexplicably obsessed with it.
  
• Speaking of great songs, thanks to Bryce for letting me kife "The Resistance" (by Muse) from him. Why is that band so rockin'?
• I made apple waffles on my new waffle iron yesterday and it was successful and delicious. Love it.
• Campus Plaza is kind of ridiculous in its ghetto-ness. It's cool though.
  
• Single student life is lonely. I hate it.
• I'm kind of a downer, huh.
• Well...
• Running makes me happy.
  
• And so does black-bottom cherry cream cheese pie.
  
• Also, I watched Wayne's World last night, and while it is pretty much really crude and dumb, I also found it to be undoubtedly comedic. I'm glad there are some movies like that.
  
• Yesterday in my abnormal psych class, I watched a how-to video from the 40's on performing lobotomies. Gross. And fascinating! Did you know that the Utah State Hospital is 125 years old? It is, like, a legit, creepy, old-time insane asylum. Maybe I should quit school and take a year-long tour of all the historic insane asylums of America. That sounds like a good use of my time and resources.
• My boss is the sweetest, most good-humored, old man ever. He is a Vietnam vet. His hands are really dry and crackly. He gives me the rock nearly every morning. I love him. I love old men.
  
• I have much respect for bus drivers, especially the ones who have been driving the same route for over 30 years. That is unfathomable to me. But then, I do have a lot of growing up to do.
• I only have one class today. That is happy.
• That bookstore bagel and cream cheese is sounding pretty applicable right about now. But then I'd have to leave this room and walk out in the cold and then walk back. Is it worth it? And when should I nap? Or should I? It's very important to schedule one's naps carefully.
• Deep purple and cranberry actually go pretty well together, I think. I didn't used to think so.
• Ok, I have a plan. I'm going to go buy a bagel, eat it, then take a brief nap in the B-wing bathroom, then go to class, then resume my nap until my friend (lets call her Lola) comes to pick me up and take me to Murray. Cool. Ready, break.
• Am I seriously going to post this? Yes. Yes, I am.